Tag Archives: mother’s day

Mothering Alone

Below is a slightly-reworked blog I wrote for Lift Up Your Day, which appeared for Mother’s Day on May 10, 2016. I thought you might enjoy it if you are a mom who parents alone, either literally or figuratively.

Your husband might work all the time, be on the road, or serve overseas. You might be separated or divorced, so paternal help (or lack of it) brings emotionally-charged interaction. You might be widowed, with no help, plus the grief that your husband is missing out on everything, and your kids are missing out on him.

If you’re a single mother, you hold unique perspectives about parenting, and you frankly get annoyed with all the dual-parenting advice that comes your way from the church community.

You wish the church would just talk about the differences between married and unmarried parenting. So this is for you–

Mothering Alone

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Why Mother’s Day hurts

Grief has been making herself a general nuisance in my life this week. She’s preparing for Mother’s Day.

Yesterday, I picked up a bronze memorial plaque at the trophy store bearing my mom’s name; it will adorn a bench on a deck that leans over a duck pond–the pond where, every time Mom visited us, we took my little boys on a walk with a bag of bread crumbs.

Before I picked up the plaque, I had prepared myself for feelings nostalgia, reverence, sadness. I didn’t prepare for anger. I’m not angry about Mother’s Day. (Well, sometimes I have been. On days when no one prepared anything or they ran out that morning for a card–but that’s another story.) I wasn’t angry about the plaque. Late in the day I noticed that I felt grumpy, sullen, and irritable. And then I was tearful. For no apparent reason.

Grief opened the front door and told Anger, Come on in, and Anger came in and sat down and put her feet up. She looked over my plaque and said it was a lovely thing to do. Mom would have liked it. The place I picked out in the park is perfect. What a nice way to remember her in a town where she never lived. And then Anger whispered, It’s not fair. And I agreed. But then my my brain responded in my mother’s voice, “Life’s not fair,” which made me miss her more. Continue reading

12 things I didn’t realize about motherhood

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My first baby, Bruce. Sept. 12, 1993.

I got my first doll when I was a toddler. I don’t actually remember it, but I’ve seen pictures of me toting it around, a little hard plastic baby head attached to a soft flannel baby-blue body. I loved the body to pieces.

I was a child who loved playing with dolls. I played with baby dolls, paper dolls, and Barbie dolls. I had tea parties, pushed baby buggies, and played house all the time. I couldn’t wait to grow up and be a mother. I realized in middle school that I loved to babysit, and I was good with children. After college, I became a teacher. I married a youth pastor. Kids were my life. I was ready.

(Cue the laughter.)

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My second baby, Brent. April 9, 1996.

But no one prepared me for some remarkable revelations about motherhood. I guess there just aren’t words to describe the emotional climaxes of becoming a parent–of being a parent forevermore, and never forgetting that you are one. I didn’t realize that:

  1. I could love so deeply, and that it would actually hurt.
  2. I would be so tired. All the time.
  3. I could be so afraid about my children’s well-being. And that I would feel this way most of the time, even when I masked it with pro-active energy and activities.
  4. I was more impatient and selfish than I thought I was. And that I could get angry over stupid stuff like toys on the floor and uneaten beans and little fingers poking me awake in the middle of the night.
  5. I would dislike their homework, disobedience, and Saturday morning chores as much as I did.
  6. I would lose my identity, use my children as my identity, and then find myself again. And that it would take a long time to navigate that cycle.
  7. I would be so impressed by my own mother.
  8. I would catch a glimpse the depth of God’s love for me, and that it would overpower me.
  9. I would rather suffer than watch my kids suffer. That their disappointments, sinful mistakes, and painful consequences would tear my heart out.
  10. The days might drag, but they years would fly. And that every moment was worth remembering. In a way, I wish I could have videoed the entire experience, but I know it would hurt too much to watch it. Memories are better reviewed in small doses.
  11. My children would learn many of their bad habits from me, and that I would need to fix myself first before I could begin to fix them.
  12. Letting them grow up would be simultaneously painful and rewarding, and letting them move away would feel like dismemberment.
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My third baby, Brady. Aug. 11, 2000.

Mothering is the single most important thing I could ever accomplish in my lifetime. I thought that was true before I became a mother, but I couldn’t have anticipated how the experience would alter me. Mother’s Day is not a sufficient enough occurrence to commemorate the impact that mothers have on culture.

Every mother holds the world in her hands. It’s why we are so anxious. What we need to remember is that the change that comes with motherhood–all the scarring and the aging and the imperfection–that’s an important part of culture, too, because wisdom slips through the unanticipated challenges of life.

Motherhood is a magnificent garment you never take off, even if you outlive your children (which, of course, none of us want to do). It is new skin that takes awhile to get used to. Although it ages, you wear it because it’s impossible to un-wear it. No matter what motherhood has done to you, it remains your greatest badge of honor.

Happy Mother’s Day!